just had one of those spontaneous thoughts

i really want to GRADUATE

not really graduate and then go onto internship, i'm not mentally ready or have the knowledge or whatever else it takes to do all that just yet, but i just wanna go through a graduation ceremony.

like you know, wear the whole gown thing and have that square hat with the little string bit that dangles down, and walk up the red carpet with a cheesy grin and receive my freaking certificate. and then the climax would be when i throw the hat in the air like in the movies and cry at the top of my lungs "we're through guys! we really did it!!" while everything goes slow motion and the song 'chariots of fire' comes on somewhere in the background... man i really wanna throw that hat in the air. and take a group photo of us pulling stupid faces and doing madcunt poses.

even if it's like a pretend graduation, and i have to give back the certificate and go back to 5th year to do my GP term afterwards, i wouldn't mind doing it for pretend to see what it's like.

just wanna feel like i'm eventually heading somewhere.

one of those dreams i have from time to time...

anyway, end of psych term! always look forward to next term woot woot

poppin' babies

saw my first delivery today
heard voices i didn't know was conceivable with the human vocal cords (in volume and quality)
felt the butterflies in my tummy seeing the tears of joy in the mother's eyes
wondered how something so small can move so autonomously
thanked god i'm a guy... (i know, so much for compassion blah blah)

i have a vision!!

that together we can form a positive atmosphere where we can be a good influence on each other. and no i'm not just pulling another 'idealistic hansoo' crap, i've got it sussed (well in my head anyway). when we all do our work and collaborate our efforts we can get something done that you first impulsively thought was just impossible to do if you did it by yourself.

now some may be more opportunistic than others, or there may be a disparity in the weight that people pull, but if you just don't let the pessimism hinder you, you can at least do your best to pull the weight that you can pull, and then help others out if you have the hand to spare, and who knows, you may eventually stir up an environment where the whole group eventually reciprocates each other's altruism. and then it brings much more meaning and substance during the time you spend with that group. isn't that awesome?

but here's the challenge: who else but YOURSELF to take the initiative??? be the one to influence others to become as optimistic as you are!!

this year i will take that step to become closer to being someone like that. coz I HAVE A VISION yah yah!!!

and tomorrow i'm gonna propose a plan which is just the first step.. to taking that step... to becoming that kinda person. well eventually anyway. if it fails, i'll come up with another idea. coz I HAVE A VISION yah yah!!

wish me luck!!

 i've tried asking a number of people if they considered each year becoming more and more of a mundane passing of time or if this year was different in some way, and so far got a range of responses which was interesting.

if you're wondering yourself, try and ask:
what were the unique things that you liked about this year?
what did you learn (if you can put into words)?
how do you think you've changed?
would you have done things differently? would you try to do things differently next year?
they're kind of stupid sounding questions but can get you thinking if you're in the mood for it. at some point you have to remember to reflect on how you're going, assess how you should change, where you're headed, and keep renewing your goals, whatever you do. these are all questions that might make you change bit by bit, hopefully for the better, but also be aware of the good qualities you know you already have and those that people tell you, and to be careful not to lose that when the pressure's on (and we know the pressure will be very ON at times). once you start thinking about these things your 'mundane' year (if it seemed mundane) will start looking like it was jam packed with new and unique happenings.

i just read a nice story ken sent me a while ago for its relevance in our ageing and endings term. ok so it's a taboo to read anything medically orientated post exams but this one isn't really, and it's quick, so just have a read:

i find it mind boggling that after 4 years we may know little more than a few diseases and their pathogenesis (or should i just speak for myself here), and we've still hardly scratched the surface when it comes to integrating our knowledge to apply it to really treat someone in a holistic way. but i suppose that in itself is a source of motivation, that one day you may become capable.

but! all that for later. i'm on a tight schedule consisting of bumming and chumming for the next month.

have a safe summer, xanga-ers and non-xanga-ers. tomorrow i am off to terrigal for a day and then to see my family, aaastala vista baby :) remember to do a lot of this during the summer:

 
SMILE!